Fun filled days ahead at The Valley

New style entertainment will lead to a happier Valley

They may be rooted at the bottom of the Premiership, but Charlton, the Kent club that plays in London, are promising family fun before and during the game. 'The team may play crap football', a spokesperson admitted, 'but we think we are going to have the most exciting on pitch entertainment package in the Borough of Greenwich. We already have one of the most exciting pitchside announcers in the Premiership.'

Les Reed had volunteered to lead the players in the Lambeth Walk and the Hokey Cokey before the game, recalling the South African dance routine intiated by Feesh, but it was decided this might lead to yet another hamstring injury.

Instead the club has commissoned two special short comedy features to be shown on the big screen (formerly located in the lounge of Mr.C.Anorak of Barneshurst). 'Carry on Managing' will follow the format of the famous Carry On films, although to save money Equity actors currently 'resting' will be used. This will feature a fictional London football club called Thames in which a series of increasingly incompetent managers try to get a set of players past their best to come up with the goods.

This will be followed by a special short produced by the Python team called 'The Revolving Door Sketch'.

As the club has already installed pipes to carry methane gas for the benefit of referees from the Tring Triangle, this will be used during the match to give fans in premium seats a whiff of laughing gas. This will provide an anaesthetic to dull their sense of what is happening on the pitch, whilst also inducing them to laugh at the antics of the players rather than boo.

The piéce de resistance will come in the half time interval. 'Hands up', said a spokesman. 'We have signed two useless Uruguyan players we can't get on the pitch, one because he is always injured and the other because his pace is slower than the River Plate.'

'We thought if we can't get them on the pitch, we will at least put on this singing group called Los Plonkeros or something we found on the pavements of Montevideo.' They will sing a specially commissioned ballad (arr. R Murray) 'Relegation is Not an Option'. Valley Gold members will be able to buy a CD of the group at a special discount.

'What is more', the club spokesperson added, 'having this group of indigenous peoples on the pitch fits in with our rapidly developing social inclusion agenda which we are rolling out throughout our Kent catchment area, not least in Chatham.'

'We plan to send fans away with a smile on their face', the spokesperson concluded. 'If we can't achieve that through the football, we will find other on pitch activities that meet our objectives.'